What does this mean? Well, for those who know me really well, or even kind of well, or even just spent a few minutes with me in the bar, you would know that I’m not exactly the kind of guy who is easily embarrassed. In fact, up until today I wasn’t completely convinced that I was even capable of being embarrassed at all. I’ve become so accustomed to saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, acting silly or just being an ass that I really thought that actual “Oh my God, I want to die or disappear” embarrassment was a figment of my adolescence.
I was wrong.
Today started out pretty innocuously. I got up, took the kids to school, got ready for work, sent some emails and worked out. Upon completing my workout I decided to add some levity to my wife’s otherwise stressful week with a series of funny and perhaps ribald texts. And so I did. What follows is a sampling of what I sent:
1. The following texts are for your viewing enjoyment. Do not feel obligated to reply. Just keep working & smiling. The management.
2. Seth has been working hard and busy all morning J -(reference to our son)
3. I’m done working out. Time for a cool down shower. Then I’ll be tired, cold and horny ;)
The next seven texts are not fit for a general admittance Facebook audience. Suffice it to say that they were of a personal nature fit only for a husband and wife. Besides, 3 of my kids are on Facebook and what I wrote just there alone is enough to make them throw up in their mouth.
No big deal right? I finish my shower, get dressed and head down stairs to peals of laughter coming from the nanny. I think we can all see were this is going.
“I’m guessing you didn’t mean these texts for me, right?” says she.
I could feel the deep crimson flush of embarrassment and attempted to simultaneously cover my face and keep myself from emitting expletives in front of my youngest child. “Oh my God, I can’t believe this…” was all I could say. I felt like one of those idiots that get picked for the price is right
“That was for my wife! I am so sorry,” was all I could muster as an explanation. She was still laughing at the whole thing. So I did the only mature thing in this situation. I left. Went straight to the local watering hole and had a club sandwich and a few beers.
So with enough liquid courage, I returned to my home office and locked the door. So here I sit.
Sooner or later I will have to leave my office. It will be like going to the chalk board in middle school with a boner. You don’t want to, but you have to and you know you’re going to be embarrassed.
Well, here’s to being human. ;)
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Carrying a 2 Year Old on Your Shoulders is Always a Risky Proposition.
So my wife is out of town for a week and Dad is doing it all. “Organization is the key.” I tell her. “Don’t worry. I’ve got this.”
Date: 8/25/2010
Time: 8:13AM Eastern Standard Time
Ego Level: High
I just dropped off 5 kids at 3 different schools and delivered all packages on time and on line. Now it’s off to the pediatrician to fill out paper work to get their medical records switched from Omaha to Greenville. My companion: Jude Luby, Age: 2, AKA: Judo Chop. My side kick, perched on my shoulders, kicking his bare feet, is putting out an aura of cute that could drop a charging rhino at 50 feet. We enter the facility.
Time: 8:20AM EST
Ego Level: Extremely High
As nurses and other women pass me they sigh and give us a look that says, “What an awesome daddy and cute little boy.” I can hear their votes for father of the year in every “Good Morning” and “Awwwwe”. The S on my chest is now becoming visible and if you listen carefully you can hear theme music being played as we stride down the corridor.
Time: 8:31AM EST
Ego Level: Super Hero Status
I approach the desk and request the forms to have my children’s records bounced off a satellite and delivered here in seconds. The woman in the waiting room practically swoons when she sees me. “I’ll just have to.... What? Fax number no I don’t.... Hmmm? Social Security numbers? Well I have their insurance cards... No? OK well I’ll take these home and bring them back this afternoon.” The woman in the waiting room is now reading a magazine deliberately.
Time: 8:35AM EST
Ego Level: Slightly Below Average Dad Status
“OK Jude, up we go. Daddy has to go back home to fill these out.” The woman is now giving me a disinterested, “go figures” look. I lift my little buddy up and put him on my shoulders. The pressure acts as a sort of urine juicer and the now full diaper starts to drain its contents down my neck and shoulders. “Really?”
Time: 8:37AM EST
Ego Level: Low (like white trash low)
Now as I’m exiting the building the looks I get now are a mix of disgust and scorn. Looks that say, “That’s what you get for knocking someone up, pal.” Or “I sure hope you’re the bungling uncle for that child’s sake” And “For God’s sake, get some shoes on that baby.” We finally get to the van and of course there aren’t any diapers there. I put him in his seat and he pulls out his pacifier and says, “It’s not our fault dad.”
In that instance, my little Buddha with a gee-gee, made everything all right.
Time: 8:40AM EST
Ego Level: Not bad at all.
Date: 8/25/2010
Time: 8:13AM Eastern Standard Time
Ego Level: High
I just dropped off 5 kids at 3 different schools and delivered all packages on time and on line. Now it’s off to the pediatrician to fill out paper work to get their medical records switched from Omaha to Greenville. My companion: Jude Luby, Age: 2, AKA: Judo Chop. My side kick, perched on my shoulders, kicking his bare feet, is putting out an aura of cute that could drop a charging rhino at 50 feet. We enter the facility.
Time: 8:20AM EST
Ego Level: Extremely High
As nurses and other women pass me they sigh and give us a look that says, “What an awesome daddy and cute little boy.” I can hear their votes for father of the year in every “Good Morning” and “Awwwwe”. The S on my chest is now becoming visible and if you listen carefully you can hear theme music being played as we stride down the corridor.
Time: 8:31AM EST
Ego Level: Super Hero Status
I approach the desk and request the forms to have my children’s records bounced off a satellite and delivered here in seconds. The woman in the waiting room practically swoons when she sees me. “I’ll just have to.... What? Fax number no I don’t.... Hmmm? Social Security numbers? Well I have their insurance cards... No? OK well I’ll take these home and bring them back this afternoon.” The woman in the waiting room is now reading a magazine deliberately.
Time: 8:35AM EST
Ego Level: Slightly Below Average Dad Status
“OK Jude, up we go. Daddy has to go back home to fill these out.” The woman is now giving me a disinterested, “go figures” look. I lift my little buddy up and put him on my shoulders. The pressure acts as a sort of urine juicer and the now full diaper starts to drain its contents down my neck and shoulders. “Really?”
Time: 8:37AM EST
Ego Level: Low (like white trash low)
Now as I’m exiting the building the looks I get now are a mix of disgust and scorn. Looks that say, “That’s what you get for knocking someone up, pal.” Or “I sure hope you’re the bungling uncle for that child’s sake” And “For God’s sake, get some shoes on that baby.” We finally get to the van and of course there aren’t any diapers there. I put him in his seat and he pulls out his pacifier and says, “It’s not our fault dad.”
In that instance, my little Buddha with a gee-gee, made everything all right.
Time: 8:40AM EST
Ego Level: Not bad at all.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
What I Learned on the Plane.
Like Ferris Bueller said, "Life goes by quickly, if you don't stop to look around you might miss it." That almost happened to me yesterday on the plane alone, coming home from house hunting in South Carolina with Amy.
I was sitting by an elderly couple who were playing gin rummy when some younger man came up and talked to them. He obviously knew them but how I did not know as I was wearing head phones. He ended up giving the husband on the isle the last inch or two of a chocolate bar and went back to his seat.
He (the husband) unwrapped the candy and looked at it. It was dark, delicious, high end chocolate. He handed the entire thing to his wife. She accepted it with raised eyebrows. He simply smiled at her.
She tilted the bar once to examine it and broke it in half handing a portion to him with a newlywed smile that he immediately returned. They both ate the chocolate and went back to enjoying their card game.
This entire interaction took no less than 3 or 4 seconds, but the significance of it was not lost on me.
I was sitting by an elderly couple who were playing gin rummy when some younger man came up and talked to them. He obviously knew them but how I did not know as I was wearing head phones. He ended up giving the husband on the isle the last inch or two of a chocolate bar and went back to his seat.
He (the husband) unwrapped the candy and looked at it. It was dark, delicious, high end chocolate. He handed the entire thing to his wife. She accepted it with raised eyebrows. He simply smiled at her.
She tilted the bar once to examine it and broke it in half handing a portion to him with a newlywed smile that he immediately returned. They both ate the chocolate and went back to enjoying their card game.
This entire interaction took no less than 3 or 4 seconds, but the significance of it was not lost on me.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
What is there that is worth writing about anymore?
I've been contemplating this for the last couple of days, as I wanted to try and start a blog. What is worthy of discussion though?
Politics is a circus currently. Sports are inane. Entertainment is soulless and vapid. Discussion of religion eventually leads to one kind of war or another. Personally I think the “pithy observations of everyday life” thing is horribly overdone. The sitcom about nothing has also already broken that ground. So where does that leave me?
It leaves me, unfortunately, with all of the above.
I cannot promise to always be witty, relevant or even interesting. I can promise, however, to always be honest.
Politics is a circus currently. Sports are inane. Entertainment is soulless and vapid. Discussion of religion eventually leads to one kind of war or another. Personally I think the “pithy observations of everyday life” thing is horribly overdone. The sitcom about nothing has also already broken that ground. So where does that leave me?
It leaves me, unfortunately, with all of the above.
I cannot promise to always be witty, relevant or even interesting. I can promise, however, to always be honest.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Uruguay the Hidden Hawaii of South America
At least that is was Guido told me. This is where he plans to live in three years. That’s right, you heard right, he wants to move to Uruguay for an early retirement. I know that people like a change of scenery and climate from time to time, but damn. Really? Uruguay? Really! At first I thought it was a joke, but he was serious.
If you’re wondering, “Where the hell is Uruguay?” then like me you are a normal byproduct of the American educational system. I had to Google it. Its a little country on the southeastern coast of South America, wedged between the bottom of Brazil and the side of Argentina. Just to give you perspective, its closer to freaking Antarctica than it is to the United States. Are you completely D-ranged?
That was my initial reaction. But then he started to tell me why he's actually contemplating moving half way around the globe. As Guido told me about his Rosetta Stone software for learning Spanish, the culture, the climate, the lifestyle; I began to catch myself thinking, “Hey why the hell not Uruguay?” In fact, by the the end of our conversation I was actually starting to think this might not be a half bad idea for me and the blonde chick.
Amy always wanted to retire on the beach in Mexico. Things are getting a little dicey in Mexico these days, especially for gringos. This would accomplish the retire on the beach gig, without the threat of having your head randomly cut off.
Now, I find myself daydreaming about what life would be like in sleepy Uruguay. I may just have to visit there sometime. After all, it only costs $1000 round trip.
If you’re wondering, “Where the hell is Uruguay?” then like me you are a normal byproduct of the American educational system. I had to Google it. Its a little country on the southeastern coast of South America, wedged between the bottom of Brazil and the side of Argentina. Just to give you perspective, its closer to freaking Antarctica than it is to the United States. Are you completely D-ranged?
That was my initial reaction. But then he started to tell me why he's actually contemplating moving half way around the globe. As Guido told me about his Rosetta Stone software for learning Spanish, the culture, the climate, the lifestyle; I began to catch myself thinking, “Hey why the hell not Uruguay?” In fact, by the the end of our conversation I was actually starting to think this might not be a half bad idea for me and the blonde chick.
Amy always wanted to retire on the beach in Mexico. Things are getting a little dicey in Mexico these days, especially for gringos. This would accomplish the retire on the beach gig, without the threat of having your head randomly cut off.
Now, I find myself daydreaming about what life would be like in sleepy Uruguay. I may just have to visit there sometime. After all, it only costs $1000 round trip.
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